It's Tuesday, March 29th....7:39 PM....I have a million (honestly...probably a million and one) things that I SHOULD be doing right now...grading papers...washing dishes...dusting...sweeping..mopping...packing daycare bags...but God is really speaking to my heart right and now and he is saying 'stop'. Do something that you want to do...and this...honestly...writing a blog to post is exactly what I want to be doing right now.
My heart is so heavy. Writing has always been my 'outlet'. I have always been able to get 'it' out on paper better than any other way. My thoughts...my feelings...just dump it all out...it comes out so easily when I write...and now when I type. So...where did my inspiration for this post come from? Stress at work...not feeling like I am 'good enough' at my job...feeling torn between what to do with my career...wondering if I am where God wants me to be...where He needs me to be...where I can serve Him best. AND on top of that...my sweet baby girl is heavy on my heart...I got a text and a phone call around 3 today that Lilly had diarrhea at daycare. They said that a "bug" was going around and weren't sure if her bad diarrhea was a symptom of that or not. I was sitting in a meeting when I got the text. All I could think about was getting to her as quick as I could. She needed her mommy. I needed her. I needed to hold her tight and make her feel "all better". When I got to pick her up at daycare she was outside playing on the playground. She ran up to me as fast as she could! There is no better feeling in all the world than feeling her sweet little body against mine. She hugged me so tight and I just held onto her until she was ready to let go. I was so thankful that she was playing and seemed to be feeling alright.
We had plans to go to my mom's for dinner so we headed over there. She played in her room at my mom's house and seemed to be feeling alright. She had one more diarrhea episode when we were over there, but it wasn't too bad. She ate a little bit, but not as good as she normally does. We headed home for bath and bed...but when we got home I realized a bath was not going to happen tonight. She just wanted to be held. I gave her paci to her and put her in her crib then I got her jammies on her.
Since back in December-January when we were staying at David and Joy's, Lilly started getting to where she did not want to be rocked much, if at all, before she laid in her crib. Honestly when she first started acting like she did not want to be rocked I was okay with it. I did not have to worry about her crying when I laid her down after I rocked her. And I got to get more things done since I didn't have to rock her. Ugh. Just the fact that I could think that. Admit that. Just makes me sick. Life. It's just too busy. Why oh why does it always have to be "something"?? I stay so consumed. I wish I could stop and just think about one thing instead of ALL the things I need to do or all the other things that take my thoughts and mind captive.
So now...I guess since we moved out of our house in December...Lilly barely lets me hold her after getting her jammies on, reading a bible story, saying our prayers,...she lifts her little arms up in the air toward her crib and says "night night". If I ask her if she wants to be rocked she says "no" or her famous 'uh uh'. I thought maybe it was just a stage that she was going through at first, but now I am so worried that I will never get to hold her and rock her again. So what am I asking myself now?!? Did I relish those times that she did let me rock her? Did I soak up those moments like I should have? Or did I let so many of them pass me by in the fleeting moments of this life???
This momma's heart is crushed. My baby is growing up. She is considered a toddler now. A toddler. She will be 18 months old next week. That's a year and a half! It just doesn't seem possible. I miss her newborn body feeling so tiny in my arms. I miss feeling like she needed me so much. Every stage brings about a new level of independence. And it's sad. It's so sad.
So, back to tonight...she was ready for bed as soon as we got home (at 6:45). Her jammies are on and she is laying in her crib, but tonight she is looking up at me. I know she doesn't feel the best. Her tummy is upset. She declines my question "Do you want momma to rock?" Defeated. That's how my heart felt. So what did I do? I climbed in her crib with her. I wanted to touch her, to console her, to feel her little body, and just feel in my heart that I did what I could to help her feel better...to "make it all better". She didn't protest me being in there with her. She let me rub her back and her tummy and run my fingers through her hair. Then. It happened. My finger was in her hand and she gripped it. She wrapped her little fingers around mine. And I saw it...even though her fingers still are little...they are not tiny anymore. It flashed in my mind...when she would grip my finger when she was just a few days, weeks, and months old. So tiny. So tiny. Tears immediately filled my eyes in that moment. I let them stream down my face. Where did the time go? Where did it go? Why has it all gone by so fast? She needed me then. A more deeper level of need then. Now. She still needs me. Just on somewhat of a lesser level and for different things. Sitting there in her crib (I know crazy right?!?) with her little head in my lap she gripped one finger on each of my hands in her little hands. I would squeeze her hand a few times and she would squeeze mine back. Then she would giggle. Her laugh truly melts my heart. It is the sweetest sound.
So this post...for anybody who reads it..I want you to know and realize that life is fleeting...soak it up...soak it all in...just sit...be still...and relish every moment you are given. I know there are times when I did that. I remember just sitting sometimes holding her in the rocking chair as she let me hold her and crying...loving every bit of what I was experiencing and feeling so thankful that God chose me to be her mommy.
Now...I believe God has spoken this to my heart...He wants me to do that more. To be still more. And longer. To realize what this life is about. And to realize what it's not about. To let Him be the filter I need in every day moments and decisions. To allow Him to make my "to-do" lists instead of me spending my time sorting through what's important and what's not. Family. Serving Him. Not being CONSUMED with the "lists" and demands of this life. The weight of this world has dragged me down time and time again. And I have allowed it. But I am DONE. I can't be who He created me to be. I can't be who He needs me to be by allowing this life to swallow me whole. And it does. Oh it does. I get snippy with people. I get bitter. I get jealous. Nothing good comes when I allow stress and frustration to take control. I have to surrender to Him. I have to fully surrender. I have to let Him take my thoughts captive. I have to be still. And I have to be still long enough to let Him erase anything that I was thinking about so He can fill me with what He wants me to do and think. What is important to Him is what should be important to me!!!!! How profound! God is so good!!!! I am thanking Him for this newness! This "restart"...this training process that I am going to let Him take me down. He can help me filter out this life and find out who I truly am IN HIM!!!!
My thoughts right now as I end this post are of knowing that this blog is so far behind! I have so much to update...I haven't posted pictures since October. So there is November-March to upload! But I am smiling because it will get done. I will post all gazillion pictures of my precious baby girl soon!! So instead of being overwhelmed at what I haven't done and have left to do...I just can feel God send me the greatest sense of peace that I have felt in a long time. I am going to be still for Him and through my stillness in Him, He will mold me into who I need to be for Him...not who I need to be for me. I hope this post somehow encouraged your weary heart.
I promise I will post pictures soon...Until then...here are a few recent pictures to hold you over...;)
