If a picture is worth a thousand words, then a memory must be worth a million!! Today is November 18th. I just laid Lilly down for her nap. We had her Thanksgiving party at school today. Such a sweet time to celebrate together. These moments. These memories. Are so dear to my heart, but time just feels like it is passing by in the blink of an eye. Lilly is so attached to me right now. She has terrible separation anxiety when I leave her. When she was in her crib just a minute ago she wanted me to sing to her. As I was singing I thought about how horrible I sound, but how she always wants me to sing. It's just really about us being together though. Not about the songs or my singing ability inability. She just wants her mommy with her. Tears began streaming down my face and my singing went from bad to worse with my shaky voice. I kept singing. After every song she would say "you not leaving" and I would say "no I not leaving" as I rubbed her arm softly and began to sing another song. I started singing "Silent Night" to her and it made me think about Mary and Jesus and her love for her little boy. There is no love like the love that a Momma has for her children. There's just nothing in the world like it. I kept rubbing her little arm and my fingers went over what's left of her chubby wrist and the tears started dropping even quicker. She will never know the depth of my love for her. There's no way she will. I love her so much it hurts. By this time my voice was so shaky as I tried to keep singing and holding back the tears at the same time. I sang "Amazing Grace" to her and the words sunk in like never before. "Who saved a wretch like me"... how undeserving I am to be so blessed...to be forgiven by my Savior...to be Lilly's mom. I feel so unworthy. But His grace just covers me over and over again. All that I ever was, all that I am, all that I ever will be, wrapped up in my sweet Lilly. Her sweet little eyes had closed and she was off to dreamland. I kept rubbing her arm for a few minutes and I just looked at her as she lay there. I wanted to stay and just watch her as she slept, but I knew my crying wasn't going to stop so I quietly tiptoed out.
I was just telling Erica this week, after she shared a story with me about Emersyn, how hard it is to be a mommy...How often times I beat myself up over and over again for the "ugly mommy" times. The times when I lose my patience and then after wish I had just stopped and thought before I responded or reacted. It's hard sometimes though...In those moments that seem "the worst of the worst". God is at work in my life through Lilly in incredible ways. My heart is convicted time and time again and God is teaching me to slow down, stop, pray it through and then respond. I've been joking around with everyone..."I forget what do they say about the 2s?...Oh, they are TERRIFIC?!" ;-) Her outbursts and "need it right now", "my way or no way" times are so frequent it gets hard to always respond the right way. But once again I know God is at work. He keeps reminding me how now more than ever important my quiet time is with Him DAILY. In order for my heart and my mind to be focused on Him and to do what He would have me to do. Through Lilly I am learning so much!
Lilly's personality is hilarious!! She is just becoming this "little person". Nick and I are constantly laughing at things she does and says. I wish I constantly had a video camera on her so I could capture all of the "funnies". :) Here are a few recents...
*The other day I picked her up from daycare and she had her banana in the car and her fruit pouch. When she finished those she said "I want something else". Haha! I thought it was so funny to hear her verbally tell me she wanted more to snack on!:)
*One night I was in the chair with her rocking her and reading before bed. Nick was sitting in the floor in her room. Nick and I started talking about something and Lilly looked up at me and said "Don't talk Mama." Haha!! She was sure to tell me to get back to reading and stop talking to daddy! It was her turn! Haha!!:)
*One of the sweetest things is to hear her say "I love you mommy". It melts my heart like no other!!!
*We took her to Strawberry Hill for a hayride and to go to the pumpkin patch. You had to ask the "Troll" if you could come through. It was really a man dressed up with a straw hat and a beard holding a rake. For the longest time Lilly would talk about "Mr. Troll". She didn't forget him and she would say "I don't like him". :)
*When we were on the hayride we got to feed the cows and one cow showed her how much he liked her when he took his long, wet tongue and licked her face!! She was not happy with that!!
*Sometimes at night when I am singing to her at bedtime when she is ready for me to leave she will say "I love you mommy. Out door mommy". That lets me know the singing can stop and it is time for me to go. :))
*Nick ordered tickets for us to go ride "The Polar Express" train and see Santa in December. We've been talking to Lilly about it and she is so excited. One morning Nick was taking her to school and a police had someone pulled over. Nick told her that the policeman was giving the person a ticket. Lilly said "to go ride the train and see Santa." Hahaha!! Doesn't that person wish that is what the ticket was for!! Too funny!!!:):)
*I bought Nick some egg nog and Lilly saw it in the fridge. She called it "Christmas Milk" when she saw it because of the picture on it!!:) So sweet!! I told her "yes it is Christmas Milk for Santa and we will leave him Christmas cookies, too :)
*I love giving her butterfly kisses and Eskimo kisses!! She will do the Eskimo kisses back, but gets to giggling so much that it's hard to get to her eyes and give her butterfly kisses sometimes. It is so sweet!!:)
*Another sweet thing that we say together mostly at bedtime is...I will say " I love you more than all the stars in the.." and she will say "sky"...then I will say "I love you to the moon and..." and she will say "back". I always tell her to have sweet dreams and I will see her in the morning. That is what my Gram used to always tell me at bedtime. :)
I will end this post with a few pictures from her 2nd Birthday Photo Shoot... I have SO much to catch up on this blog. I am HOPING to get some of it done over the next few weeks when we have some breaks from school! Anyway...here are a few of my favorites of our sweet family and our precious girl who I can't believe is already 2!!!!
