"Uh, huh."...Lilly.
Oh how the summer months go by too quickly. I started out at the beginning of June with my mental "Bucket List" for Lilly...new memories...new experiences...new people...new places...new treasures to have and remember forever. We did stay busy this summer...soaking up every moment that we had together. I remember it started off pretty rough at first...several days of "time-out" and some tears. Looking back on it now I think she was just seeing how far she could get with me since she wasn't used to being with me all day except Saturday and Sunday. She learned pretty quickly that when I said "no" she needed to stop what she was doing. Soon she realized that we were going to be together EVERY DAY and Mommy meant business if she was doing something she shouldn't. Her little personality is so funny and oh it reminds me of myself SO SO much!!! Kinda scary to be honest. She will say "no, I don't want that" almost immediately and then change her mind right away. She will go back and forth a few times before making up her mind. She can be so hard headed sometimes and I just know she is going to give this momma a fit especially when she gets older. Teenage years please don't come too soon!!! ;-) Goodness I love her though!!! With a CRAZY LOVE! When I don't think it's possible to love her anymore than I do somehow, someway I DO!!!
Some mornings we would wake up....her normal wake-up time ended up being around 7/7:30...she slept a little later a few days, but not many. I would hear her talking on the monitor and go in her room..."knock, knock Lilly....are you awake"....she would smile her great big smile at me...sometimes she would say "mommy in" and I would climb into her crib with her and lay and play for a few minutes...other times I would scoop her up in my arms and go to the chair in her room...she would lay her head on my chest and I would rock her slowly...other times we would read some books. Then it was time to head into the kitchen for breakfast...the normal two choices..."oat oat" or grits and cheese. Nick would make cheese eggs just about every morning, too. And we would have french toast bites, cinnamon rolls, or pancakes. Oh and of course her cup of milk! YUM!:) "Toons...toons daddy"....time for cartoons...she loved to express her dislikes on what shows not to watch..."no Lion Guard"..."no wild kratts"...;) Finally we would find something fun to watch for a bit while we ate breakfast. I got her a tray to sit at on the floor and we would eat our breakfast at her tray and watch "toons". She would say "mommy sit"....and there I would sit with my bowl of oatmeal and coffee. :) Soon toys would start coming out of her toy box or we would go downstairs to her playroom to play. Around 12 would be lunch time and then nap time. I loved getting to do our "rock and read" everyday at nap time and hold her close before laying her down. We loved our library days on Tuesday and Thursday. The videos that I have of her singing and dancing at the library are priceless! She loves to watch them over and over again! We loved having play dates with friends at the park and lunch dates, too! We had a blast on our beach vacations with family and loved seeing how much fun she had this year in the ocean and the sand. It went by all too quickly as everything in life does, but this summer was filled with unforgettable memories that I am so thankful to have been able to share and experience with my sweet girl!!
Being a mommy is something that can't be summed up in just a few words. I truly don't even know how to put my feelings into words when it comes to what it feels like. God never lets me forget how much I longed to be a mommy. He never lets me forget the countless nights that I cried myself to sleep praying to get pregnant. That yearning was one, that at times, I didn't know if God would fulfill or not. Starting a family wasn't something that Nick and I weren't planning or praying about when I got pregnant the first time. My daddy had been really sick from cancer and he just passed away. Nick felt like it was "the right time" for us to "try" so two 'attempts' later and we saw two pink lines on a pregnancy test. I was overjoyed at being pregnant as it did seem like the rainbow after the storm and it would be the sunshine beating through the gray clouds of what my family and I were going through after losing my daddy. Nick and I were overjoyed and busting at the seams to tell our family. Scouring the internet looking for the "perfect" way to share our news. The upcoming family gatherings for Easter was deemed as the perfect opportunity to shower our family with the surprising news of a baby on the way. Anticipation and excitement filled our hearts at what was ahead for our soon to be family of 3 (4 including Jonah;)) Our family was over the moon excited as well and everybody shared their thoughts and ideas on names, etc. and loved passing the news onto anyone and everyone that they knew. At this time I still didn't really grasp that I was going to be a "mom". It was just I was pregnant and we were going to have a baby in November...Thanksgiving Day was the due date. My doctor's appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat shifted everything in another direction. There would not be a family of 3 that year...there would not be a baby being added to our extended families...God had our baby in Heaven with Him.
The journey that God took us on after the miscarriage was one that I had never experienced before. I had never clinged to Him so much and so often. I looked forward to waking up every morning and reading my devotional and the bible. God was speaking to me like never before. I was memorizing scripture and using it to get me through the tough times. I would recite the verse when I felt at my lowest points and right away I felt a sense of peace from the Holy Spirit.
May...June...July...August...September...October...November...Decemeber...then...January 2014...
When we found out that I was pregnant with Lilly I was so relieved. I loved that my prayer to be a mommy was answered and that I was going to be able to give Nick a baby...and me too...but let's be honest...every woman wants to be able to give her husband a baby if it something that he longs for. My whole pregnancy I was a nervous wreck. I was elated at being pregnant, but I held my breath so often. I was so fearful that something was going to happen to my baby. I was afraid that once again I would lose this precious life was growing inside of me. I read my devotional and my bible and journaled a lot too. And we prayed and we prayed. I was at the doctor or at least calling to speak to a nurse if something made me think there was something wrong. I remember one day getting out of the car at school and the door hit my belly. I was so afraid that I had hurt her. I would check the internet before I ate ANYTHING...is this cheese OK for pregnant women? Can I eat deli meat? Can I eat seafood? If so, then what kind is safe? I'm telling you I was over the top worried! My diet consisted of just about the same meals and snacks...ones that Google had deemed SAFE for pregnant women! I didn't know it then, but God had already made me a MOM!
After Lilly arrived I can say that my fear didn't go away and I don't think it ever will. I constantly worry about her. The hill on the side of our house looks like Mount Everest to me and I scream every time she starts to run down it and I grab her hand. I have to protect her. That's my job. If something were to happen to her and there was something that I could have possibly done to prevent it then I don't know what I would do. When she pulls Jonah's tail I scream in fear that he will bite her if she pulls too hard. When I give her an apple for a snack I hold my breath until she finishes it and I tell her a million times "tiny bite" "chew it up".
She's 20 months now and such a bright and vibrant toddler. I hold her so often and wonder where my little baby girl went. We watch videos and look at pictures of her when she was so tiny and fragile and new. I sometimes think that if I watch enough videos of those days then maybe they will return and time will slow down for all of us. I don't want my girl to get big. I don't want my girl to not need her mommy. But you know what? She always will. And I am already learning that there are times that at first she doesn't think she needs me, but soon realizes that she does. There will always be times like that in her life. She's my independent, strong willed, intelligent, fearless, curious, funny girl! But she will always know when she still needs her mommy.
Independent
She wants to do IT ALL on HER OWN these days. From feeding herself, to figuring out how to get her shapes in the right whole in her toy. "No mama"... "No daddy"....are common every day with her. She is large and in charge and I have learned to just sit back and let her do things on her own. When she lets me help her I will, but I do know that she is learning so much more when she does it herself.
Strong Willed
She doesn't let anything stop her and she goes after what she wants. We are trying to help her learn that everything in this world is not hers. She has a habit right now of telling people "No" anytime and anywhere. Nick first experienced this at the zoo a few weeks ago when a little boy was driving the truck at the playground and Lilly walks over to him and tells him "No" because she wanted to drive it. Nick had a talk with her to try to help her understand that she had to wait her turn. :)
Intelligent
People tell us all the time how smart she is when are out in public. They can't believe how much she knows and can say at only 20 months old. She sings songs on her own and fills in the blank with me on our special songs. She counted to 10 for the first time 2 weeks ago and I screamed as soon as she did it! It scared her and she jumped when I screamed and we just laughed! She is saying her ABC's now, too! She will leave out some letters, but she has most of them! We carry on conversations with each other all of the time and she always remembers everything that we did, when, where, how, who we were with....and she recounts things that have happened all of the time. She amazes me everyday with how smart she is!
Fearless
This mama who is full of what it seems is NOTHING BUT FEAR most of the time has learned so much from her precious girl. That hill that she runs over to and looks back at me before she takes off is HUGE to me and a broken bone waiting to happen, but Lilly doesn't see that. She sees the fun and joy when she looks at it. She rushes up to new things with anticpation and excitement and seemingly no fear. Her only "known fears", the ones where she says "hold you tight", are "tractors" (lawn mowers), "airplanes" and "copters" (helicopters), and the "baccum" (vaccum cleaner). :) And I always tell her that I will hold her tight anytime!!! She rode a pony for the first time at the beach last week and she sat on it like she was a pro rider and had been riding for years! It was beyond precious!!
Curious
She loves looking at bugs now and will walk right over to one and say "What that?"...most of the time she will respond with "Ewww" "Gross" and leave it alone, but there have been times when she has touched one or picked it up. She is constantly exploring and learning and as always reminding me to take the time to look at the "ants" and "spiders" and "rocks". The little things...that people in this busy life just walk right by. She is so curious and she lights up at the littlest things.
Funny
When we are playing she will do something and make me laugh so hard sometimes! She is soo funny!!!! Her laugh seriously lights up the room. It is so deep and real and happy!! It is contagious! Life is fun to her and everything has a way to be funny! She reminds me to laugh and not take things too seriously!!
Lilly has changed me and my life in so many ways. I am stronger...I am more sensitive...I am a different, better person...Lilly has transformed me and my life forever. I get overwhelmed sometimes at the thought of how much responsibility I have at being her mom. I know she is watching me. All. the. time. I think of how God is watching me all the time too. I think of how I am to reflect Him in all that I do and say and that like others around me Lilly is watching me and she is learning...how I respond to things and situations and how I use my words. I want her to have a mom to watch and learn from and want to grow up to be just like.
It's October 2nd now...in just 6 days Lilly will be 2. I don't know how it has gone by so fast. It truly is crazy to think of how much time has passed. I will do another birthday post in a few weeks. And I am hopefully going to get caught up on posting pictures, too! :)
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